Bored with relationship the identical sort time and again and questioning why it by no means works out? You’re not alone. Many individuals discover themselves caught in a loop, swiping proper on profiles that mirror their very own pursuits and aesthetics, solely to finish up dissatisfied.
That’s the place a brand new relationship pattern referred to as ‘contra-dating’ is available in, and it simply may be the shake-up your love life wants. Contra-dating is all about deliberately stepping exterior your relationship consolation zone, by tweaking your app profile or real-life selections to draw individuals you wouldn’t usually take into account.
Consider it as relationship in reverse: in the event you’re into operating and jazz music, say you like yoga and Indian classical music as a substitute. It’s not about mendacity, however about giving your self the possibility to fulfill individuals you’d in any other case by no means cross paths with.
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However can breaking out of your regular relationship preferences make it easier to construct extra significant or lasting relationships?
Counselling psychologist Athul Raj tells indianexpress.com, “Contra-dating, in its essence, invitations you to step exterior that sample. This doesn’t imply throwing away every little thing you’re drawn to. It means asking whether or not these preferences are literally aligned with what brings you security, calm, and which means in a relationship–or simply what retains you chasing.”
Within the Indian context, he provides, this takes on one other layer. A lot of who we date — or are allowed so far – is formed by household, tradition, class, even language. Generally, our “preferences” are simply conditioning carrying good garments.
“So sure, breaking out of your relationship patterns generally is a deeply significant step. Not as a gimmick, however as a aware act of emotional development. Once you method somebody exterior your regular body with real curiosity–not simply romantic, however human–you start to open new elements of your self too,” Raj states.
Is it psychologically wholesome to ‘faux’ or downplay sure pursuits simply to draw a special sort of particular person?
Raj explains that there’s a distinction between rising and performing. Between stretching who you’re, and shape-shifting to be favored. “The second doesn’t final–and it nearly at all times leaves a quiet ache behind.” It’s utterly human to wish to be chosen. However while you begin to modify elements of your self–disguise the depth, soften the opinion, edit the bio–you could achieve consideration, however you lose one thing extra vital: readability. About what sort of connection really matches you.
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“Contra-dating, if misunderstood, could make individuals really feel like they need to change with the intention to be liked in another way. However actual change in relationship isn’t about who you appeal to, it’s about the way you present up. And that requires honesty,” he shares.
Potential long-term advantages and disadvantages of utilizing a method like contra-dating
Contra-dating, at its greatest, isn’t a trick, it’s a shift in posture. “One of many deeper advantages is the way it stretches your capability to take heed to another person’s expertise, to your individual discomfort, to what security would possibly really really feel like when it’s quiet and unshowy. That sort of development typically brings you nearer to the sort of love that sustains, not simply excites,” mentions Raj.
However like something that touches identification, there are dangers. Particularly in a society like ours, the place household, group, and belonging are so tightly woven into who you select. “Relationship exterior your norm can carry up pressure, not simply externally — however inside you, too. And but, when accomplished with care — not as a insurrection, however as an sincere inquiry — contra-dating can lead you dwelling to your self in sudden methods,” explains the professional.
The actual query isn’t: Will this result in a relationship?
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It’s: Am I selecting this with consciousness, with presence, and with respect for who I really am–even when that particular person remains to be turning into?
